It was a rough day again today. A little better than before, but still not so great. It was a little cathartic, albeit painful. I don’t want to give a lot of details. I tried that once and I immediately regretted my decision and prayed for minimal views and quick deletion. I won’t make that mistake again. It’s nothing against you all, you’re very supportive – but my own conscious can’t seem to process this alone, but I can’t willingly burden others or open up like that again. But I will talk vaguely, because it bypasses my own filter and at least helps me some.

I will only say this to put something into context, as to why this is so painful and why I feel I’m being drug willingly through all of this. C (that will be the initial of my spouse) is from Mexico. We married 5 years ago, and while if we divorced it is possible C could stay in the country… she is afraid. I don’t want to hurt C. If you’ve read any of my posts before you know how hard I fought for an independent life and how I fought to have everything I have and own. To have a career, a marriage, a license, a car, a home, .. everything. … and how I lost it all. I have to rebuild from the rubble. I have to rise from the ashes and I just don’t know how to rewrite my life, or if I event want to do it again…. And I can’t force C to lose her life she has created .. not like I did. I lost my life through my own faults – C didn’t do anything and deserves to live a life of happiness. I won’t take that away from her.
The world is against me on this one. Everyone thinks (mind you, they don’t know the story, just the fact I am having to live with my mother and things are essentially over) I should divorce and cause her the same pain I’m going through. I just can’t be vengeful like that.

Despite having to live at home, having no job, a failed marriage and lots of emotional pain and bipolar to top it off.. it’s just been hell these last few months. I go back and forth between sorrow and anger and moments of peace, to almost happiness, to deep depression again. It’s part of why I don’t post anymore – I feel one way, and regret showing that side of me.

I guess I just figured if you’re going to keep me in your thoughts and/or your prayers – you might as well understand the circumstances aren’t ordinary. (It’s additive, anyone going through a divorce, a job loss, and all that will feel very similar. I’m not trying to make it sound special, just the circumstances add a lot to it). That’s all I got.
Just living in hell isn’t what I wanted for myself, but it’s where I am.