Our conversation really helped. I thought you were angry when you wrote that you were sorry that complications in your life were hurting me. In retrospect, you must have been being factual.

I spent all of Sunday being angry because the anger blocked me from feeling the absolute pain that is sometimes inevitable due to my abandonment issues. The ideation I was having should have been a clue.

I don't know how to forgive myself, really. I suspect that my self-hatred, anger toward myself, protects me from the excruciating pain I am having now even knowing how much you aren't angry at me.