I was bad last night. I'm having problems facing my faults and I walk out of session feeling like a sack of ****. Vulnerability hangover? It hits me hard everytime. After sending 2 useless emails to my therapist, venting and explaining myself,
I just wanted to sleep and while lying in bed, I wanted to hurt myself. I didn't want to tell my husband, I didn't want to worry him. But I had to promise myself that I would say something if it got too bad. Thankfully I fell asleep before I dug myself any deeper. This morning was a little better, but I was still uneasy. I wrote another useless email, letting my therapist know what happened and asked him not to hate me if I do go overboard attempting to contact him before my next session. I warned him I was in "freak out mode". It comes and goes. At one point this morning, I wanted to hear his voice, I felt I needed to call him, so I did. It went to straight to voicemail and I was partly relieved. I tried leaving a voicemail, but it was just a ****ing joke, I felt like a joke. "I'm hurting, but I'm not so sure why." Thankfully I had an option to delete it, which I did. I brokedown crying instead. I don't know what I need, I don't know what I want. My therapist wants me to really focus on mindfulness, which I attempted for a little while but then stopped. Kept feeling I was doing it all wrong. I think he's getting tired of my ****. I keep saying I'll meditate and pause before freaking out but I always let my emotions get the best of me. I feel like a failure. I can't even have a healthy relationship in therapy. No one wants someone around who needs constant reassurance to feel better about themself, this is why I rather be alone. I really hate myself sometimes.