I'm so sorry you're struggling. Please don't judge yourself. Just adds to the burden, you know? But I know that's easier said than done (been there, done that, got the sticker). Have you tried some distress tolerance stuff...just to get through the super emotional rough patches? Like doing soduku/crosswords, exercise or taking a walk, doing something for someone else, taking a hot bath/using lotion, watching a great tv show? Just something to get your mind off your current distress level until it settles enough so you can use other skills. I find meditation helpful, but I absolutely could not do it when my distress levels were overwhelming. It was more a long-term thing that I had to develop, like just stick in my back pocket at times.