For a little update, I’ve improved since my OP. A little self-care and distraction has done the trick for me. Instead of lingering around with my parents at their house like originally planned, I went back to my own place to spend time to myself and see my counselor. In the process I blocked the woman who was showing off her engagement on SM because keeping her in my circle when I have so much baggage with her wasn’t at all healthy. Then to further disconnect I broke away to a couple of lakes to go camping and kayaking, both right up my alley. Last couple of times that I’ve seen my counselor she has been very supportive. How supportive? When I was sharing the contents of my OP with her and my fear of being ugly and undeserving she was almost as choked up as I was getting in my description. In a world where people seem to be impatient in understanding my feelings, my experience with this counselor has been more than humbling.

However I can’t deny that any of this has happened; I am not the person to forget things easily. Visiting my parents next weekend for father’s day is daunting because we’ve been on good terms since our spat, but I still associate our last meeting as one blemished by hurt feelings. As for the person who I developed feelings for, I am still fearful of moving on. Not because I don’t want to dissociate from her and her SM post, but her post was one that rehashed all my blunders in finding love. Falling out with many of my friends that I thought would be lifelong friends from college has made me cynical and more comfortable just to retreat rather than reach out. Maybe I still could make new friends or remember there’s plenty of fish in the sea, but I have become hardened, thus my ability to keep friendships or love has been greatly reduced. But this has allowed me to take joy in spending time alone, as these past few years I’ve discovered a side of me unhindered by other people’s plans, limitations or hidden agendas.