I FEAR HOPE. I FEAR HOPE. I FEAR HOPE.

this morning pdoc said she'll give me a new (to me) med to help me sleep. I hope it works. Staying awake all night alone with your obsessive thoughts and feelings is not fun at all.

Then i saw T. She said we could only continue T if we kept talking about my sui ideations and it wouldnt become a taboo.
I was uncertain. I dont want them to stop me again next time. I said we could talk about my feelings and thoughts about it but not about dates. She replied she was unsure she could manage dealing with such an anxiety. I then gave in and said I'll text her if im on the verge of doing it. She seemed satisfied. I didnt want to hurt her in any way and i didnt want to quit either so i think we found a good compromise. I still think i can manage texting her and die a little later before anyone arrives to save me.

The news from today that left me happy, hopeful but scared too, is that my colleague P seems to feel for me what i feel for him. Or something like that. T read our texts exchanges and said he's really nice. We're just at the beginning, being colleagues and not even friends but we decided to meet up next week for an icecream or whatever. Just to chat a bit out of the working place.

Im scared I'll ruin everything before it even starts. He will probably ask me why was i on a sick leave for so long and i dont want to lie but not tell him everything (yet) either. Im afraid that just one single word too much or wrong will push him away. How much do you tell????? And how?

And im also afraid I'll hurt him if i cant stop my sui ideations and end up doing it. Im such a selfish monster.

Either way it doest seem to me i (or we) have any chance.

Im not like others. Not like normal people. Not like normal girls. He deserves better and much more than i can give him. I know it for sure. So is it worth giving it a try? My mind says no, my heart says yes.

But im so afraid. He saying he's fond of me was really heartwarming. So much that ive started having a little bit of hope in life. And i hate it. It was easier when there wasnt any because there were not any contrasting feelings and thoughts and now instead im overwhelmed and so f#ing scared I'll hurt him and I'll be hurt too if he rejects me because of my past/present issues.

Im too bad, too selfish, too rigid and too damaged to have a healthy relationship.
Thats what has always happened in the past anyeay, so why this time should be any different? Why even try if you know you'll fail and hurt and be hurt?

Any thoughts??? Advices??? Please???