Hi all.

PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED

I have suspected for a while that my Bipolar diagnosis was incorrect. After being booked into a facility for 21 days I finally was diagnosed with BPD and OCD. As much as that was a great relief, it left me with a lot of questions (that typically only occurred to me after I was discharged from the facility).

A lot of what I have read online has indicated that BPD starts in early childhood, but I have great parents. Can it stem from unhealthy teenage relationships?

I have quiet BPD which I am sure I was conditioned into as I was beaten by my ex for emotional outbursts. I have been self harming since I was 14, it was all very superficial at the time but it progressed as did my illness. It got to a point where I would whip myself until I had welts as I believed I needed to be punished for being such an awful human. This was during the 3 years I spent with my abusive partner.

My serious cutting only started after that relationship when I knew I I would not be beaten for it. I have always managed to mend and seal my own self harm wounds, but there was a tipping point where I lost it completely and was rushed to A+E for stitches. My partner at that time had too just come out of a highly abusive relationship and could not cope with me and my issues (there was his child he had to consider, completely understandable).

I do not cut to release emotion. I do not cut for attention. I do not cut for all the 'mainstream media' reasons. I CRAVE the endorphins. The excitement from sneaking blades/razors/broken glass into the bathroom with me makes me feel like I am a substance user. The thrill of the blood, the sweet relief after. It is not about the pain. It is so much more than that. I have (RARELY) seen articles about being addicted to self harm. I would like to know your thoughts and experiences on this. I have not brought these issues to the attention of my therapists as yet as I still have to wait for my next appointments. I also do not want them to know of last night's "fix" which has been bleeding for about 19 hours now.

My medical cover does not pay for self harm/suicide attempts so I simply cannot afford the stitches this time. I also will lose my job if I take more time off.

I sincerely would appreciate feedback on this, and I really do not want anyone to be triggered.