Hello...

I want to begin by saying that I know what I did was wrong and I feel very guilty for it. I'm posting to ask for support and advice on how to avoid ever, ever doing this again.

A few days ago I told my GF of 1.5 years that I have an eating disorder. It's something I struggled with since I have been 13 or 14 (I'm 21 now). A day or so after telling her that, she said something that was extremely triggering for me and made me feel really bad. She did this on accident.

I got angry because of several reasons that aren't important for the purposes of this post. We started fighting and I got angrier and more hurt and finally just told her to "shut up", pounded the bed next to me, and then grabbed her arm. I cannot believe that I did this. I hate myself for it. She isn't bruised or anything, she said it didn't hurt and it only surprised her, but I HATE myself for getting angry enough to behave like this. I feel like an abuser. I feel like an awful person. I never want to behave like this again.

So I am posting here to ask for advice. How can I avoid getting this angry? It's inexcusable and ugly. And how can I make it up to my girlfriend? I have apologized many times since then and told her how much I regret acting like that. She says she forgives me but I don't forgive myself. She's seemed sad since that night. She thought I hated her. I regret everything so much.