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I just get cowed by him when he gets angry and will do anything to avoid displeasing him. Yes, I know that is dysfunctional, but it is almost physically impossible for me to go against him.

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sunrise.. i remember you attempting to connect with me at certain times when i talked about the issues i faced... and i was not able to be very receptive at the time... i dont think i ever rejected you, but i wasn't able to appreciate that someone knew how i felt. Part of that was the use of the word abuse at all... even as i tried to learn to use it i couldn't accept it because abuse was what happened to battered women and i felt BAD to use it... didn't deserve to use it... couldn't relate to another

but i cant help but be touched by what i just quoted from you... i said something similar to T just last week... H has power over me still because you can't just unlearn those things overnight. He can't hurt you anymore... doesn't matter because after a while you dont have to, it becomes conditioning... i understand that feeling.

you have so much courage and strength, trust what your heart tells you is the right thing.