My Support Forums - View Single Post - I made an awful mistake and I don't know what to do

SoSorry7735 · Jun 12, 2019 at 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

Thanks for sharing your truth SoSorry7735.

As a therapist once told me when I was feeling badly about myself one day "It's okay. You didn't kill anyone!" Sure, grabbing her arm was not okay but you don't want to do it again so tell yourself that you won't.

I think rather than asking how not to get so angry again, you want to look at two things:
- what was I so angry about?
- what can I do when I'm angry instead of grabbing someone's arm?

Anger in and of itself is not bad or wrong. It's a feeling. It can get out of hand but trying to not feel any anger is not going to work. Hard to help you unpack this since you didn't share details but that's okay! You share what you feel like. No pressure

Have you ever spoken with a therapist? about ways to process your anger or your eating disorder? I think it's fairly well understood these days that eating disorders are a person's way of trying to gain control, right? Someone can feel that they have little to no control over their external (due to abuse, stress, trauma etc) so they seek inward control via eating/not eating.

Try to view your anger as a guide rather than something to shut down or avoid. It's a sign that you need to adjust something. As is the eating disorder. Feeling angry is okay. Grabbing someone's arm while angry is not okay. You already know that. So what is okay to do while angry?

Give your gf some space now. Don't keep apologizing....apologies start to lose their value very quickly when repeated over and over. Modifying your behavior is key. Give yourself some space too. DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) is one type of therapy which proves very effective for folks with anger-management troubles. An idea for you. In the meantime, probably the best thing to do when you feel intensely angry is to leave her company. Return when you are calm. You can't grab an arm when you've already left the room, right? monitor your body....racing heart, fast breaths, flushed etc....note it and leave. Breathe. Calm down. Return to talk when calm. Only when calm.

Peace and hope to you and your gf

I mean I can try to tell some details that would help unpack, I just didn't want to make a wall of text hahah. I was upset after she said something triggering, when I had finally told her about my eating issues, and I felt it was really insensitive. She didn't mean to, but she says stuff without thinking all the time and it is very frustrating to me because I try very hard to be thoughtful and...she is not? She just kind of goes through life without thinking about much and I am an over thinker. I was kind of hurt that she didn't ask many questions about my ED, ask what might trigger me or would be upsetting, that kind of stuff, because it was a big deal for me to tell her that. I have never told anyone about my eating disorder and she doesn't seem to realize the magnitude of it, how much it effects and tortures me. It was like she thought it was a 'quirk' or something. I don't know. She wasn't trying to hurt me, it was an accident.

I have never spoken to anyone about my eating disorder or anger or anything really. I tried going to a therapist once when I was younger for depression but it was kind of demeaning. I am thinking of seeing a therapist for my anxiety/ocd/ED since they are kind of destroying my life. You are right about the control; I am absolutely a control freak, but I'm not sure why.

Thank you so much for your insight. I appreciate it very much