Thanks for the details.
I was kind of hurt that she didn't ask many questions about my ED, ask what might trigger me or would be upsetting, that kind of stuff, because it was a big deal for me to tell her that. I have never told anyone about my eating disorder and she doesn't seem to realize the magnitude of it, how much it effects and tortures me. It was like she thought it was a 'quirk' or something. I don't know. She wasn't trying to hurt me, it was an accident.
It is entirely possible that she didn't want to make a big deal out of it in case that would be embarrassing or awkward for you. You reminded me of one day when I was in college. my chemistry lab partner came out to me sort of out of the blue one day. He said he was just starting to tell people about being gay and wanted me to be the first a college because I was always kind to him. Now I was honored but at the same time I wanted to emphasize that I didn't think any differently about him....gay or straight. Anyway, perhaps he thought I didn't make a big enough deal about it? He didn't say so but who knows? I wasn't exactly sure what to say particularly as we were right in the middle of a chem lab and it was out of the blue. My point is, when you share something very important t you and you need a person to respond a certain way, it is best to tell them so. May seem odd but something like: "I am about to share something deeply painful to me. It's a big deal for me. So I'd like you to ask me some questions and spend a bit of time talking it over with me."
She doesn't know it tortures you because she's not you. I know it tortures people because my friends have shared their truths about their eating disorders. But most people are relatively clueless about x or y unless they have actually experienced x or y. And even then, not everyone with an eating disorder is the same, right?
I tried going to a therapist once when I was younger for depression but it was kind of demeaning.
That means it was the wrong therapist and/or clinic. I've had good and bad experiences of therapy. if you have the right person (that can take some work to find) you will feel supported and respected. I'd encourage you to try again.
I am thinking of seeing a therapist for my anxiety/ocd/ED since they are kind of destroying my life. You are right about the control; I am absolutely a control freak, but I'm not sure why.
This may sound strange but I think you don't really have 4 separate problems as in depression, anxiety, OCD, and an eating disorder. Depression and anxiety go hand in hand, anyone who has one has the other....there just tends to be one side of the coin they focus on more or are more troubled by. OCD is a manifestation of anxiety....your effort to control it. Same with the eating disorder. These are all an indication of imbalance. Body, mind, and spirit ( I don't mean that in a religious sense) are telling you they need some help...you need to make changes in order to regain balance and wellness.
If you are an "absolute control freak" then that's because at some critical point in your life (possibly childhood?) you felt unsafe. So you learned ways to make yourself feel safe....such as controlling your food etc. Now you need to get to the root of the problem. Once you do that, the other issues will fade away. They aren't really the problem. They are manifestations of it.
Think of someone struggling with alcoholism. The drinking (though unsafe) is not the real problem. It's a way to self-medicate due to unhappiness. I've never met an alcoholic who didn't have a history of trauma/mental illness.
You don't have to answer these here. But you may want to answer them in your own home:
- any history of trauma?
- ever been abused or assaulted?
- parents always present and safe and supportive...accepted you exactly as you were/are?
- how do you view the world? Scary? Safe? A mixture?
I don't know you, but trust me, there's a reason why you feel the way you feel. Start digging (ideally with a caring and experienced therapist) and ask yourself what is at the root of all this pain? The eating disorder started at 13 or 14. What was happening back then or before? What changed? I think that's where your answers lie.
Peace and good health to you
