*trigger warning*
This post concerns the psychological effects of sexual trauma*

I have heard that hyper-sexuality and engaging in promiscuous behavior is common years later after experiencing sexual trauma as a child or young person. I have also heard the latter is common too, where there is so much guilt and shame concerning sexual activity one tends to avoid it or at least dread it all together. However, what I haven’t found any information on seems to be a little more complex; almost mixing the two together.

The sexual abuse I endured came from several different men over the course of my teenage years and into my early twenties. As a result, At first, I struggled with panic attack’s and flash backs every time I attempted to have sex after that. Even if the partner was loving and gentle. Then, after becoming involved in a couple physically and emotionally abusive relationships, my sexuality has become even more messed up. I become aroused by being treated badly sexually. I achieve orgasm through reliving my trauma via letting an abusive partner take control and make me feel used. Then as soon as it’s over i drown in emotions and thoughts of guilt, shame, self-hate, confusion and pain of letting myself be treated this way. I don’t want to be treated this way, but now it seems my brain makes me crave it. I don’t understand why this is happening or if therapy can help me heal from this or if my brain and sexuality will forever keep me stuck in a cycle of pain. Any thoughts on this? Anyone else experienced something like this?