Sorry you're struggling Witchnotbich. I can see why this is very confusing for you but I don't think you should feel ashamed.

First, I am sorry you were abused. It was not your fault. You did not cause it.

Second, here's a Ted Talk about unwanted arousal. I think it pertains to your current confusion. The speaker is excellent and non-judgmental.

Third, yes I fully believe that your brain and body and spirit can heal from the abuse and allow you to enjoy sexuality in a way that feels safe and right for you. I recommend consulting with a sex therapist. Someone kind who really knows their stuff.

The truth about unwanted arousal | Emily Nagoski
YouTube

I hope this helps. I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. YOU DESERVE IT!