Been a rough ride for me the last few weeks, but I know things are going to get better. The only sure-fire way to get help, is to help yourself. You can't rely on anyone else to support you, and it shouldn't be expected. I personally don't see it worth the extra drama or the judgements that come out of it anyway.You are the only person responsible for you, and I should remember that before asking another to help me bear the weight. I gotta do whats right for me, you know? I'll find the all the support I need within myself and with it I'll find my source of strength and willpower to overcome all of this.

I've taken the first step to helping myself, and that's realizing you can't change people. I've suffered a lot in my life since an early age and lots of that distorts ideas of self-worth and allowing yourself to be put into abusive or otherwise unhealthy and toxic relationships... and stay because it's all you've ever really known and you suffer. However I won't assume the role of victim anymore. I held onto something hoping it would change knowing good and well I couldn't make it happen. I finally, unwillingly, but finally got out of that scenario. The longer I'm out, the more I realize the only person who could have helped me was myself... and I'm glad that I did.


The snowball effect really took hold this last year or so and I've run into a lot of issues in my life -- most unresolved. If I want to see change, I have to find it in myself to do it. I'm weak in a lot of ways. I let others encourage my thought that I don't matter. My voice doesn't matter, my opinions and feelings are not invalid, but wrong. I've rolled over and let others tell me what I deserve, what I don't, and what is right and what is wrong. Notice my wording -- they didn't let that happen, I did. I let them manipulate and hurt me. I assumed my role of victim and stopped fighting back. I won't do that anymore. I have a voice, and while there may be no one in my life to hear it, I can and I will proudly let it sing. I do matter, as insignificant as I am as one person, I am a contribution to this world, and I will find somehow and someway to bring purpose to that again. I may never find someone to share my opinions or validate my feelings, but in the end.. I don't need to be validated. I don't have to prove the validity of how I feel to anyone. It matters to me. It affects me. It's important to me , and that's enough.


I've felt cheated by life for a long time. I've blamed myself for a long time. I've rolled over and accepted it, for a long time. I won't easily be able to get my life back, but that's only going to come from inside me. I'll get through all this, I've gotten through worse and I've always done it on my own. I may come out the other side a little more tired, weaker, and worse for wear... but I am on the other side. I'll start by accepting responsibility for my own emotions, and find it within myself to find the courage to believe in myself without the necessity of having someone else tell me what I'm doing is right.


That's not to say I don't appreciate the encouragement and support, especially that I've received here. I do, and very much so. I just have to keep in mind who is in charge of my life, and who it is who can make changes.

I've made some decisions today that I feel comfortable with, and I don't need anyone's approval to see it done. I feel that is a step in the right direction for me. I'm doing what is right for me, and I'm not going to let anyone take my voice away.