I've got so many issues with my life right now that I don't know where to start, but I just got off the phone with the current "significant other" and as always, our conversation has left question marks in my mind, so I'll start there ...

This will probably be a very long introductory post. I apologise.

I met G. a few years ago, at work. Immediately hit it off as friends as we had very similar interests and hobbies. We started hanging out and having cute little coffee dates every few weeks or so, which raised eyebrows everywhere - he was/is old enough to be my father, and to make it worse, I look younger than I am. We were strictly platonic friends, but people constantly assumed we were dating for reasons unknown. And even when they found out we were not dating, our friendship was frowned upon because of the age difference. Everyone saw G. as a creepy predator and deemed it inappropriate that I was hanging out with him. I obviously disagreed. There was nothing inappropriate about our friendship. We just got along super well.

I've always enjoyed the company of more "mature" folks, all my friends were at least 5 years my senior. People in my age group tended to p*ss me off royally with their lifestyles and characters and there was never any common ground.
I didn't "get" their obsession with celebrities, status, money and social media. I liked to talk about politics, philosophy and saving the world, and did not care at all for the newest limited edition sneakers. Capitalism was my enemy. G. very much shared my thoughts.

When the relationship with my then-husband (who is very much worthy of his own post here) turned toxic, my friendships slowly tapered away. The only one who stuck with me was G. He was a neverending source of support, always picking me up, pushing me in all the right directions, making sure I didn't go completely crazy. But of course my then-husband saw me having an emotional affair, not me turning to a friend for support, which surely played a part in our breakup. To this day, I am not allowed to mention his name to once-husband. Which is a problem, because now I am dating G.

"Dating" might be the wrong word. I don't know what we are. We fell into a relationship very suddenly, very easy and naturally. It just "made sense" one day. Now it's been 6 marvellous months with him and I'm mostly still amazed that this really smart, bright and funny human likes me just as much as I like him, but the road has also been rocky from the start because I like "knowing" things and he likes not knowing things, if that makes sense. He prefers to just go with the flow, while I'd prefer definitions so I know what to expect.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for going with the flow, but it's really hard to explain to your mother that you have a sort-of-boyfriend who loves you to the moon and back and yet still won't commit and refuses to be called "boyfriend" while simultaniously throwing a fit when you don't call him your boyfriend. He's aware that he's a paradox. Neither of us knows how to solve him. He's both a source of endless joy and endless frustrations.

We are extremly good at communicating, but still can't work out how to have a conversation about this issue. We try but it never goes anywhere fruitful. Either we get too frustrated and give up, or he jokes his way out of the topic. When I really get on his nerves, he'll pull the "you are too young to understand this" card, which of course then warrants another discussion.
It's quite maddening. We have now somehow gone half a year without having something to call each other. To me, it's pretty simple - you act like a boyfriend, you get called a boyfriend. Or partner, or significant other, or whatever really, simply because it's impractical in daily life otherwise. But of course that's just a silly discussion because the word itself doesn't matter one bit.

What matters are the implications of it, and that's where the problem lies. For all intends and purposes, we are both single, and that seems to be how he prefers it. I'd understand it if he wanted an uncomplicated friends-with-benefits scenario, or really just a friendship like we used to have. But that does not seem to be the case. He shows me more and more how much he loves me. He gets downright offended when I suggest he should go on a date with someone else. He gushes about me to his friends and family. He makes it a point to call me at least once a day when we can't meet each other. He's always emotionally available, has not once let me down with anything, does not shy away from responsibility at all. He's being amazing and makes me feel like I'm the queen to his king. He makes me a priority all the time.

But he still doesn't want to be my significant other, and I do not understand. We are great together. I should be allowed to say we are together.

I've since heard that relationships like this are called "situationships", but that definition doesn't seem to be right for us. Yes, apparently I want more than he does, but he doesn't seem to shy away from all the relationship stuff like situationshippers usually do? Is it possible that he really just can't stand expectations, and that's why he's refusing to completely commit to us? Or am I just setting myself up for disappointment here and living an illusion?

Of course, there's also my once-husband whom I still love to consider. G. knows about my feelings and is very understanding about it. But maybe he is still uncertain of wether or not I would leave him and go back to once-husband if I got the chance?

I'd appreciate any thoughts and input on the matter ... and I'd love to hear about your story. Thank you for listening.