Thank you for the warm welcome <3, it's definitely a scary step to put it all out there but I think it has given me more clarity on the situation.
On some level I am aware that what is going on is abusive but due to my upbringing I have a lot of self doubt and insecurities, often times it felt like I was the only sane person in the house and I was punished for it, I have a very strong sense of right and wrong and would give everything to protect someone from injustice but I guess when it comes to myself I just don't have the fight, I don't feel I'm worth fighting for and give in for an easier life.
Currently I cant even mention his mum without him getting defensive so to make a report to the police at this time likely wouldn't go down too well with him.
You're right he is equally responsible for this situation and it is his words and actions that have hurt me most but the kind and caring part of me just sees him as a lost puppy.
He's told me awful stories of the things she's done to him and situations she's put him in as a child, when we had minor issues with his family in the past he told me that if it ever came to it he'd choose me over his family in a heartbeat and of course I told him that I'd never ask him to do that, even now I wouldn't ask that of him unless it's his choice then it's pointless, he'll just become resentful of me stopping him being part of his families lives and then his mother is right.
As for the job aspect were both in our early 20s and clearly have a lot of issues, I have had very bad experiences with jobs in the past that ended with me being put on heavy duty anti anxiety medication because I have an extreme phobia of making mistakes and in a job those mistakes have actual consequences so I'm not in a great position to be asking my partner to get a job.
He has taken steps to seek therapy and I was very proud of him for doing that but the more time goes on the less enthusiastic he sounds about it.
I however am very excited to see a therapist, I've been to quite a few in my life and didn't have great experiences because I was afraid and didn't know how to tell them what was going on, one of them called me a liar in our first session and I kind of just went along with her anxiety booklets after that but this time I am more confident and I won't be intimidated by someone who is supposed to help so even if they're the worst therapist in the world they will sit there and listen to me and watch me bawl my eyes out and just let it all go.
As for the marriage thing I think we're both quite comfortable staying in the fiance phase, I don't even have a real ring. it almost feels as if we're two children in adult bodies playing house and I suppose that is the truth of it, we both suffered abuse at a young age and haven't moved on since and I suppose that's also why he'll always crave the approval of his mum.
I've done quite a lot of research into my issues and emotions and I feel I'm at least able to have a good understanding of what's actually going on inside, I'm always questioning my painful emotions and trying to get to the root of it to deal with the real problems, I'm definitely 10 times the person I was a few years ago and I guess when I look at my fiance I see myself back then.
My kind nature compells me to try and help him but I know it's something he has to do himself, I can't make him see the situation for what it really is but I also know that I'm the only person in his life who is there for him, who'll sit there and cry with him when his trauma comes up, who'll build him up when his family is tearing him down.
I feel like I'd be throwing him to the wolves to leave him but I also understand that he is making this choice and doing worse to me.
My mum is very caring she would take me in in a heartbeat but I couldn't ask that of her, since I moved out she regained her living room which had been a bedroom for quite a while and has put most of her time into creating a stunning home, I couldn't ask her to sacrifice that.
For now I will focus on myself like you have suggested, hopefully he does see a therapist and hopefully he does make progress but that's all I have right now is hope.
Also my dog has made a full recovery thankfully she's more like a child to me than a dog so it was a huge stress, thank you so much for your concern and time it is the most precious gift to receive <3