I've struggled with this concept. There was something I wanted from a former abuser for the longest time.

I wanted a sincere apology. I wanted ownership and responsibility taken on his behalf. I wanted him to sincerely say to me:

"I am so sorry that I hurt you that badly. I didn't mean to and I feel terrible about it. You are a good person and deserve far better than that. I should have appreciated you and I should have treated you better."

For the longest time, I wanted to hear those words.

Then it dawned on me: WHY am I addicted to wanting to hear from this person? LONG after I've moved on?

And the answer was: that I was basing my own VALUE as a person, and my feelings of self-esteem and self-worth on this person's feelings towards me. I've been tying the two together.

Then it also dawned on me: my feelings of self-worth DO NOT NEED TO RELY on this person!!!!!

This person was a pathological liar, a cheater, a master manipulator and an abusive narcissist!

WHY on EARTH would I tie my feelings of self-worth to someone SO LOWLY?????

I do NOT need for him to tell me he truly cared about me. I do NOT need for him to tell me he truly loved me. I do NOT need to feel good as a person based on what he says or does!!!

And this is exactly the relationship dynamic I had with my father, who was emotionally abusive towards me.

Oh, it's amazing how we can come full circle!

I was trying to obtain appreciation and validation from someone who is far too self-absorbed to appreciate anyone who is good to him.

I imagine that this is very common in abusive relationships. Whereby we want the person to value us, to show that they care and love us.... and when they abuse, it's like an addiction to get that love back.

We do not need validation from others telling us that we deserve better, or that we are good people, just as we are. We need to tell this to ourselves and believe it ourselves.

Can anyone relate to this type of addiction and wanting your abuser to value you?