Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverTrees
Thanks for sharing your truth with us With Fishes. 
I wasn't sure what you meant about your once-husband. I noted that you never called him your ex....are you folks separated rather than divorced or is he doing a spell in prison or something? I'm not sure what once-husband means. Would you feel comfortable sharing more? Are you ambivalent about being his wife again? Or are you still his wife?
You said G is old enough to be your father. While I have no personal bias about age-gap relationships....I think consenting adults can make up their own minds....I do want to point something out. There's an inherent power differential there. With one person being much older. Would be similar if you dated someone with much more money than you etc. You aren't on a level playing field. Now that may not bother you...but it's worth thinking about. He's already condescending to you when you disagree "you're too young to understand" which is invalidating and unnecessary. Might he play the older man card in other ways? I don't know but it happens a lot. I assume you folks are in a sexual relationship? That's another area to look out for the power differential....is the sex what you want and appreciate as much as what he wants....meeting your needs....always safe and respectful? etc etc I am not suggesting otherwise, just giving you a few screening ideas here.
What about the future? I'm guessing you are both in quite different stages of life? Perhaps not. If you wound up in a long-term relationship (say after a year or two) with someone (G or otherwise) would you want marriage? Children? What sort of lifestyle? Going out a lot or staying home? Spending a lot or saving etc etc. Travel? What does G want in his future?
I think a discussion of general future goals (need not be directly about each other as 6 months is still early days) could be a way to help you figure out your feelings about this dynamic.
You mentioned frequent communication barriers. For a brief fling, that wouldn't pose too much of a problem. But for the foundation of a lasting relationship (if you decide you want that) that is a major problem. Communication is one of the big building blocks. It needs to start well and build from there. If communication starts out problematic, it would likely plateau or devolve from there. When the foundation has big cracks in it, you don't want to build on top, right?
In general while dating, I think it's best to step back a bit and focus on yourself. Ask yourself the following:
- when I close my eyes and imagine my ideal future it looks like.....and I am there with......and I want x, y, or z.
- Do I see G in my future? Why? Why not?
- Do I see once-husband in my future? Why? Why not?
Once you know what you want, you can go after it. You state it clearly and let the chips fall where they may. The alternative, waiting around to see if someone else chooses you etc is not a path to peace and happiness. If you see what I mean.
I wish you well as you navigate these decisions. I hope it works out the way you want  You deserve to be happy. |
Thank you
Calling him an ex - to me - implies to me that he has no lasting importance, but of course he
is an ex. We've been divorced for about a year now. The thing is, he was "the one" for me. We've been together for most of our young lives. Best friends since preschool, grew up together, were inseperable for a decade before we started dating and married. We honestly believed we'd stay together forever. All we wanted was to grow old together, and we really were two pods in a pea. We were the couple in a friend group that everyone envies and wishes they could be like. I guess somewhere along the way, reality set in.
After we bought a house, things got complicated. We started arguing, in a way we never had before. He became quite emotionally abusive and my self-esteem went down the drain. He never left the house anymore, hated me, said I made him want to kill himself. I tried to get him help, but that backfired and he became even angrier at me. I saw no other way out than to leave him. It was a really ugly divorce and he burned all the bridges. Nowadays, we are back on speaking terms, but it still breaks my heart to talk to him. He does not believe he did anything wrong and refuses to apologise, at the same time he wants me back. If he knew I was with G, he'd completely lose it, so I try to keep the contact to a minimum. I've been very clear, to both him and G, that I do not ever want to be in a relationship with him again. I find it hard to completely remove him from my life because he has been with me ever since I can remember though, and I deeply care for him despite what happened and how he has treated me. We had a wonderful life together before things started to become ugly.
G knows this all and is very respectful about it. He used to be friends with my then-husband too, after all, and he never had any desire to come between us. He is almost as heartbroken as I am that it didn't work out, in a way. He knows how much I loved him. I get that this sounds strange to some people, but it's true.
Yes, we're aware of the uneven power dynamic due to the age gap. It's usually not an issue though. The only time he uses it to his advantage is when he gets
really fed up with me wanting to discuss our relationship status, but I do stand up for myself then and point it out to him. He will immediately apologise and take it back and it isn't a big deal to me in the moment, and this never happens in any other setting.
We are indeed in a sexual relationship. No issues there at all, quite the opposite. He treats me really well and it's super fun to be with him. He's always very respectful and gentleman-ly. That translates into other areas of our lives as well. He's being really good to me and encourages me to grow, to be my own person, and to take no *****, especially not from him. He's taught me how to stand up for myself again after my once-husband destroyed every inch of self-esteem I ever had. I know now how unhealthy, toxic and codependent my previous relationship was, and I have no desire to repeat the experience.
We are in different stages of our lives, that's very true. He's established a name for himself in the industry he works in, is quite successful and "grounded". I'm just starting out my career, barely have money and am overall quite the "hippie". But as I said, we've been close friends for about a decade now, and got a good balance. We know each other really well and are very much okay with where we are in life. I'm open to marriage and children, but it's not a must for me. Maybe one day. He is much the same. He says he can't really imagine marriage because it's just a word to him and he doesn't believe in the institution, but he wouldn't mind being an "old" father. We can both imagine having children with each other.
Our lifestyles generally align. I don't have many friends myself and am generally more for staying at home, but over the years I've come to know his friends and family and they've become my friends too so we spend a lot of time with them and I've really grown to enjoy that. We 100% agree on money matters even if we have quite the gap in income. He enjoys spending more to make up for it. Like, if he wants me to tag along on an expensive holiday, he'll cover most of it for me. Likewise, I'll save up money to treat him to lunch in a nice restaurant or something. I'd say we are quite balanced there, always have been, and we've got the same values towards it.
He just wants to enjoy his life in the future. Keep working on his career because he enjoys it, but not so much that his personal life will suffer. We're both more family people than workaholics, and we are fortunate to live in a state where that's possible without too many sacrifices.
We don't really have frequent communication issues, just related to defining our relationship because he is so reluctant and will resort to not wanting to talk about it or deflecting. But this is definitely something we need to work on.
Thank you for asking all the right questions. You really made me think about this more in-depth. I do know what I want, I guess I am just really scared of rejection still. I don't always feel like I "deserve" good things, and I tend to sabotage my life without realising it out of fear. With G, it seems so complicated to me because I feel like he will flat-out say "no" to being with me a 100%, and in a way he already has, several times, while at the same time telling me that he only feels compelled to do so but actually wants to be my significant other for real. It's really confusing. I also feel like I can't give my all to him sometimes because his intentions aren't always clear. I don't want to talk about having his children with a casual fling, after all.