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nonightowl · Jun 15, 2019 at 01:42 PM

It's been about 2 and a half years since I lost my mom to lung cancer. I was never close to her, and the grief still continues. I've been to a couple of grief groups for that, as well as losing a friend suddenly and unexpectedly (no health problems that he knew of) just a few months before her death.

The relationship was complicated.

Now I found out my dad has cancer. He didn't say what kind or when he was diagnosed thought I suspect it was months before today. I say that cause of red flags in his behavior. But he didn't say what he was sick from, just sick. He's always been the kind of person who doesn't want to talk about anything uncomfortable, personal, or painful which leaves out a lot. It just leaves superficial stuff.

I'm sure he doesn't have long. Never been close to him either. Both parents were emotionally distant or unavailable.

I can't get much info from him nor my stupid brother who hasn't spoken to me in years. (That would be another thread which I don't have the energy or time for) Neither my dad or brother has returned my call from 2 days ago.

It's like reliving what happened with my mom, when they didn't keep me informed back then too. It's awful, to be excluded when the news is bad enough.

I don't have the energy to go to grief groups. I can't do another "intake" along with travel time, etc. Too exhausted. I'm going on fumes as it is, and each day is an effort. So many things keep going wrong, one thing after another. I've lost people before, so many people. I know grief has these "stages" but it's not linear. It would be "easier" if it was, but you can go back and forth between different ones sometimes within one day.

I have to keep telling myself I'm okay, I'm not crazy, etc.

Haven't been able to cry since I lost both my mom and friend, and I was close to the latter not to mom. I guess I'm just numb or something. I can't force the tears but I tell you they would be a real weight off me if I could cry an OCEAN.

I've written down stuff to my mom, dad, and brother. They are things I couldn't say to their faces as it would be like talking to a wall. I wouldn't get through. So I did it as a weight off of me, getting out of my system.

I got into a car accident a few days ago. I wasn't injured, but my car's got some damage. And I don't have the energy to deal with that now. It has to wait.

I dread trying to call yet AGAIN later, but that number is the only one I have. I don't want to call my brother but it's getting close to that as it seems it's the last resort. I've got to have some info you know?

It's been 2 1/2 years since I've seen my dad (since mom went). I was going to go over there but everytime I asked him, he replied he has my brother. So the message I got is that he's there so I'm not needed. Now he wants me to come but I can't get a reply back on when. I have to be sure they will be home. It's a long, stressful drive so I need to know they will be around.

I swear my family dynamic is so ******, it's worse than the actual bad news itself. It's my lack of emotional connection with them. I have to talk to people who are willing to listen, anyone. I tell you not even Hollywood screenwriters can make up this crap.