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I like the above comments. DBT teaches you that we are responsible and accountable to ourselves first. That we must put our needs first. That doing so isn't selfish. It took me a long time to get my head around that, because it sounds selfish. But,self-care must come first. There are a few exceptions, as there are to any situations in life, say taking care of a sick parent. Their needs in some areas may need to come ahead of yours, but that doesn't mean boundaries disappear, they move. Respect, for example, would still be expected.
Boundaries come easier for some than others. I have great difficulty setting boundaries because I feel a lot of the time they are unloving. Yet I hate my space invaded or when others encroach on my space when I need a time out. I am also a very insecure person, which again, makes boundaries hard because fear of rejection is huge. I guess this is where you start to realise a lack of boundaries is tiring and detrimental to yourself and your own health.
Back to DBT. Each of us are responsible for ourselves. In the case of your friend, if they are a true friend, they will respect and comply with your boundaries. It doesn't mean they'll always get it right, but their motives are that they will try. If they don't, that's not on you. You've not list, because you've not had the friend you thought you had. Again, look at motives; it takes a long time for some to realise and accept boundaries as good. Sometimes others may push through our boundaries, thinking we don't know what's good for us. Guess what, sometimes they're right. Look at their motives.
For me, if I don't respect my friend's motives, am I doing so because of my insecurities or concern for them? If I am concerned, a tiny boundary break I believe is ok. Them sending a "you ok" or " thinking of you" after a period of time is them being concerned for me.
DBT. We cannot change others. We cannot hold ourselves responsible for their actions or reactions. We can be as loving and thoughtful and compassionate as we are comfortable with when setting up boundaries. But as hard S it is to accept within our own minds, we cannot or don't want to control them. Self-love isn't selfish.
Will it be stressful. Yes. For me, for those I genuinely care for, each day I have difficulty keeping the boundaries I have set. But they're there for my own good. And ultimately, that's why I must keep them.
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