I haven't SI'ed in about 3 years, but I feel like relapse is inevitable at this point and its going to come sooner rather than later.

The only thing going through my head is asking myself "why am I still so f***ed up"

I feel like I should be over this by now. I've had the same problems for 12 years. But Im not. Im stuck. And the worst part about it, in the 3 years that everything has been ok, the 3 years my downswings (bipolar) havent been that bad, I've missed it. My mind is seriously screwed up. I hate feeling like this, but I've missed it at the same time.

I hope to god someone understands this, because it's confusing the hell out of me.