Quote:
Originally Posted by URBeautiful
I had quite a few problems when I was in elementary school and my parents never really fought for me like you might expect them too. I had speech problems to the point where very few people understood me. This resulted in me refusing to read out loud and getting held back. They didn't think I knew how to read. A few years after this I got diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. My parents decided not to deal with it and ignore the issue. They had the mentality that I would figure it out and it was better not to talk about it. As a result of this, I questioned whether I had actually been diagnosed with or had made it up for a lot of my life. I questioned whether anything was wrong if I was just crazy until I found the paperwork confirming I was diagnosed and everything in 12th grade.
Overall, I have basically figured it out. I did okay in high school and do well in college. My speech improved dramatically so that it's not noticeable I ever had a speech impediment and I am doing okay. But things take me so long to do. It can take me 5 hours to write a one-page paper or an hour to read a chapter. I saw a Ted talk about it the other day and it never really hit me that other people don't have a million thoughts going through their mind constantly and that people can go start to finish with a task. I also have some other problems my friends have pointed out. I'm a huge control freak and tend to get devastated when things don't go the way I plan and my one friend thinks I have anxiety. I also have a lot of stuff in my childhood that may be good to discuss with someone.
The problem is I can't convince myself to go. It takes A LOT to convince myself to go to the doctor or dentist when something physically hurts. I don't think I can convince myself to go to a psychologist or therapist. Every time I try to make an appointment I talk myself out of it. I'm scared their gonna judge me. I'm scared it will be too hard to open up and be honest or that they are going to look at me and tell me nothing is wrong and that I'm stupid for coming in. I am not sure I can stop myself from pretending to be okay. It feels like asking for help puts me out of control but at the same time, I wonder. I wonder what it would be like to talk about my past and not have a million thoughts going through my mind at all times. It feels unfair to my family and friends for not going as I often take things out on them but I don't know how to get over my anxiety enough to get me there.
I'm also a really busy person. I work full time and go to school full time. Next semester I am going to get even busier. I'm worried about how I am going to cope with emotionally and mentally.
(I'm sorry if that was messy. I typed it out rather quickly just to get it out (and not chicken out of writing it.))
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Thanks for sharing your truth with us URBeautiful. Sorry you have been struggling so much. It's not easy being human, is it?
I am very similar to you regarding going to the doc, dentist etc. I have to really talk myself into it. Though I have had extensive therapy at two different stages in my life. I benefited greatly and I'm glad I took that step. I am currently looking for a new therapist to help me work through some current issues.
This may help you to get to the first session. Instead of thinking you're about to go and open up and be judged, think of it the other way round. In the beginning, you want to essentially interview therapists....you decide whether they get the gig or not based on how they respond to you and answer your questions. It's not a good idea to just stick with the first one you meet. THey all have different styles, philosophies, experience levels, personalities, and skills. So plan to interview several until you find one you feel safe with.
I recommend writing out Qs ahead of time. When you go to the first session, just ask them your Qs. You don't even have to get into your stuff right away....you can say something simple like: I'm not as happy as I'd like to be right now so I'm hoping therapy will help.
Here are some sample Qs for prospective therapists:
- what is your therapy philosophy?
- have you ever had therapy for yourself? (its a big red flag if they say no....someone who has not worked on their own issues....we all have them....is not in a good position to help others)
- how do you approach disagreement with a client?
- what does therapeutic rapport mean to you? How do you build that?
- can you tell me why you became a therapist without using the phrase 'I like helping people'?
- please share three people whose lives you have positively influenced, could be from work or any aspect of your life? (This is a really good screener....when they name 3 people, pay attention to the relationships, do they say 3 people who had less power, equal, or more power than them or a mixture. I would steer clear of someone who only names people in higher positions than them such as supervisors etc. Says something about their character ad can sound like self-aggrandizing. Not a good quality in a therapist. At least one or two people should be someone who had less or equal power to them....a friend, a colleague, a client etc)
If you get some good answers to those Qs, I think you may have found yourself a decent therapist. Some are good, some are not. As with all professions. That's why the interviewing is really important. If you meet someone not willing to answer your Qs or pressuring you to talk about things you don't want to talk about, skip that person and find another. I was interviewing one new therapist. When she learned that my father had died recently she tried to push me to talk about him. That's not why I was there. She also clearly judged me for having been estranged from him....I never went back to her.
Consider if you would be more comfortable talking to a male or female?
Someone ~ your age or older? (I recommend *not going with someone younger than you or right out of their program but that's just my preference)
How much experience do you want them to have?
Do they have experience in a focus area for you? ADHD for example or childhood trauma.
Things really worth doing in life tend to be painful and a bit scary, particularly in the beginning. I think therapy could really help you. You're intelligent and self-aware. Break it down in your mind....think of just getting to one session....not the whole process. Rome wasn't built in a day.
I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. You deserve it
