T Thursday (then extra session Friday due to some stuff dredged up near the end of the session). Spent first part of session talking about how I'd been stressed and kind of yelled at my D a couple days earlier. And that I felt guilty about it. And recalled how my T had said it's never OK to yell at a kid (he was saying in reference to my H). T clarified that he meant that in the sense that it's generally not productive. How ideally you don't yell, but it happens. I told him I did formally apologize to D, which he said was good.

I said how I felt like a hypocrite for being critical of H yelling at her, when I'd done the same thing. But that I felt it was a little different, because he curses at her at times. I gave a couple examples of things he'd said, like, "Eat your f***ing eggs!" T, seeming concerned: "How often does he do that?" Me: "Maybe like once every week or two?" T: "Hm, OK." I said I feel like there's some filter in my head that keeps me from ever cursing *at* her, like yeah, I might drop an F-bomb at another driver while we in the car, but never anything directed at her. But it seems he doesn't have the same filter. Or get why saying that sort of thing or "shut up" to her or to me isn't really OK.

Which led back to the discussion of whether H could be on the autism spectrum. T said again that he doesn't want to diagnose someone he's never met, but some of it made sense. I said how we'd been out with friends we hadn't seen in a while a few days earlier, and it reminded me of something I love about him, how he can just chat with people he doesn't know well. Then I mentioned how the guy asked how H got into running, and he basically proceeded to give the full history of every race he'd run, and I was thinking, "OK they don't need to know all of that." T said how it seemed like he may not have been reading social cues (another sign of autism). And I said I'm probably overattuned to them, like if I 'm talking to someone, continually scanning to make sure they're not bored. He agreed. I said I even do that with him, and I pay him to listen to me!

I think at this point we had maybe 20 minutes left. I said how sometimes I wondered if my dad could be on the spectrum. How it could explain how he's not as available emotionally. And just some other stuff about him. And he's an engineer, which T said is a common career for people on the spectrum. T: "I feel like in talking about your childhood, you let your dad off the hook for a lot of things. Then other times, you group him in with your mom." Me: "Hm." I started crying. "Yeah, I guess I do let him off the hook more..." T: "And I wonder why that is?" Me: "I guess it seems like...I mean I see how my mom is with her friends, and it's like she seems capable of caring on a certain level, so maybe it feels like she was just choosing not to give that to me. While my dad, maybe he wasn't as capable? I need to think on that more." T said that made sense.

I said how my mom didn't really seem to accept that my D is on autism spectrum, like she just seems to dismiss all of that. T: "So she's treating her like she treated you." Apparently I had a look on my face because he said, "I guess that hasn't occurred to you before?" I said I guessed it really hadn't. T said the difference is that D has me to sort of shield her from the stuff with my mom, while I didn't have that.

We were at the end of session. Confirmed the next week's schedule, and I went over to pay. I forget what we talked about then. Shook hands as he said, "Have a good weekend!" Me: "Thanks, you too." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."

Felt sort of OK after session, but then later that afternoon, had a sort of emotional meltdown that lasted into the evening. Emailed T about it, then when I hadn't heard back by early morning, asked if he had any extra sessions that day. He replied saying he was really sorry for not getting back to me sooner, that he'd had to deal with some stuff, but he had 11 a.m. if I wanted it, or else he could write a longer email reply after his first morning session. I took the 11 a.m. Will write that one up later--was quite emotional.