Extra T session Friday. This will be in 2 parts because the first section is already really long. Friday, Part 1: Went back and sat down. I said I wasn't sure what thing in particular I was so upset about. T: "Let's talk it through and figure it out." Cross-posting in LT's thread--if you have comments beyond, say, "sounds like a good session," please put them there
Talked a bit about a topic from last session that I didn't go into that led to a discussion of transference. T: "I'm curious about something. You seem to be calling any sort of attraction to a therapist 'transference.' Why do you think it necessarily has to be transference? People can just find each other attractive." Me: "Oh, I think it can just be attraction, too. I've told you this before, but when I first met you I thought you were attractive. So obviously that couldn't have been transference. Whereas with ex-MC, I think it was because, well, uh, I didn't find him particularly attractive when I first met him." T: "Like he's not someone you would have been attracted to normally?" Me: "Yeah." T: "Some people can become more attractive the more you get to know them." Me: "Yeah, or less attractive." T: "True. But also it makes sense in therapy, because here's this person being what might seem like the perfect partner. Like the ideal date, you can just talk about yourself and the other person will listen intently." Me: "Well, the parts where I end up crying, that's not so much the ideal date." T: "True." Me: "Or if my date was like, 'So tell me about your mother.'" T: "I don't think I've said those exact words--that's a little too cliche." Me: "Yeah."
Me: "So for why I used 'transference' with you--I guess maybe part of is that it seemed less...threatening? Not sure if that's the right word. But the way you reacted to the stone, with it being about you...I figured if I put it out there as 'transference,' maybe that would bother you less? I don't know." (Note to those who don't know the background--he gave me a stone as a transitional object when I requested one, then when I told him I'd held it and it had comforted me, and I hoped that wasn't weird, that he said it was maybe 10% weird. Which led to a rupture.)
T: "Well with the stone, we hadn't been working together that long" (it was like 8 months...). T: "And the thought of you getting comfort from something that was a part of me, I had some discomfort with that. And I felt I had to listen to that discomfort." Me: "I still don't really get the 'part of me' thing. It's not like I was holding your hair clippings." T: "True, it's a couple steps removed from that." Me: "........" Me: "But you understand it all more now, right? Because I do have that other stone, and I only hold it occasionally." T: "Yes, now I understand better." Me: "OK, good."
Part of the following exchange does not reflect particularly well on my T, but including it anyway. I find comments he makes like this to help keep the transference at bay. I forget how we specifically got on this part. Maybe my wondering if ex-MC felt attracted to me, because I got that sense at times? Ah, yeah, it was in talking about the transference for him. Me: "Like with ex-MC, at first he seemed to convince me it was mostly paternal transference. But then in the second individual session, he asked if I had any sexual fantasies about him." T: "He asked you that in your second meeting?" Me: "Second individual session. Not our second marriage counseling session!" T: "OK, I was gonna say, that's pretty direct!" Me: "Yeah!" I think in there I said I wondered if he felt attracted to me, just because of how he acted toward me sometimes.
This is the not-so-good part: T: "If I have really attractive clients, I find that I'm often more cold and distant toward them. Like I'm trying to be careful not to be acting toward them a certain way and maybe overcorrecting." Me (thinking, "why are you telling me this???"): "Hm." T also threw in there that his two summer interns are young, blonde females, which made me give him a bit of a death glare (doubt he noticed--I'm neither young nor blonde). Me: "So...if you're cold and distant toward your 'really attractive' female clients, I guess that means you don't think I'm really attractive? Or else you're really warm to most other clients?" T: "Or that I'm a really good actor." Me (in my head): ???????
We then went to something that redeemed him a bit to me. T said that he's complimented some clothing I've worn before, but that he was careful to see how I reacted to that before he did it again.
Me: "I'm fine with you commenting on things I'm wearing. It makes me feel seen and like you're paying attention. And you'll say things like, 'I like your shirt,' which is all good and different from, say, 'that shirt looks good on you.' Which maybe would be OK in the right context. Or like if you comment on the fact that I'm wearing new shoes, which these aren't. It's like you're really seeing me." T: "Those are your favorite shoes to wear lately. For a bit, you were wearing some shoes that were the same color as your purse, not sure whether to call them coral or salmon." Me: "Yep, salmon, I'd say. I got a stain on them so that's why I stopped wearing them." T: "Ah!" Me: "I'm not sure that H even notices my shoes..." (Note, these are casual sneaker style ones from Skechers--not like strappy sandals or high heels or anything remotely sexy).
T said he got the sense maybe I wanted to talk about some other stuff from the previous session. Like my dad. I started tearing up and said, "Yes, apparently we need to talk about that because I'm crying now." Will put that stuff in Part 2.