Cross-posted:
T Friday part 2. So we started talking about my dad some. I was quite emotional and think I went through about 20 tissues for that part of the sessions. Some of what we talked about is a bit hazy. I said how I thought part was triggered by his comment Thursday about how many girls/women go to their mother for most things, but will go to their father in a crisis. And I wouldn't think to go to my dad for that. I mean, if I had car trouble or something, yes. But not something emotional. I never felt like I could go to him for those sorts of things.
T said that seemed sad. And that it seemed like maybe I was grieving what I missed out on in childhood and even now. I said yes, it feels that way. And how it can be hard shopping for Father's Day cards because some are so sappy and my relationship with my dad just wasn't that way. And I'll only buy a card if I feel what it's saying is accurate. And therapy has made shopping for Mother's Day cards much harder, too, because I used to get the "Not just my mother, also my friend!" ones and don't know if that seems to fit anymore.
Me: "Last night it just felt like I was starting to go into this dark place. And that's part of why I wanted this session, to try to head that off." T: "Well, I hope it helps." Me: "Thanks, I think it helps to just get the feelings out."
I said how my dad often seemed to mainly care about my mom's feelings, like if I was upsetting her, he'd stick up for her and be upset with me for upsetting her. T: "Wow, it seems like everything really revolved around your mom's feelings." Me: "Yeah, I mean, my dad would even refer to her as 'the warden' at times." T: "Hm." Me: "Like she was the disciplinarian, never my dad."
There were a couple times in the session where T was talking and it was like I had a realization about something else at the same moment. I started crying at one of those and said I wasn't crying about what he was saying. He asked what made me cry. Me: "I think it's like...you and ex-MC being caring and accepting and understanding toward me...it helps show what I didn't get from my dad, like what I missed out on. I mean, not that you're that way with your kids all the time of course, but that I missed the chance to at least have someone who understands anxiety, for example." T made an empathetic sound and seemed genuinely sad for me.
The rest of what we talked about is a bit fuzzy (when I'm really emotional, my memory tends not to be as good), but it was all centered around what I felt I missed out on. T said how there's still time to change things with my dad. I said how he'd seemed warmer lately, maybe just since my D was born? Or since he lost his father a couple years before that, one of very few times I ever saw him cry? I said how maybe part of what's hard is seeing my dad act very loving toward D, like always being sure to say he loves her, and that I don't recall him being like that when I was a kid. Though he definitely says he loves me more often now.
T said how becoming parents can often put our relationships with our own parents in a different light. I agreed. He said how maybe now with D, I understand some of their struggles. But that I'm also probably trying to make up for that with D, which I agreed with. T said he wondered if I could talk to my dad about any of this, what that might look like. I said I felt I had a better chance of a good outcome with him than with my mom. He said some past clients had been pleasantly surprised by such conversations. I said I'd think about it.
We were at like 55 minutes. I said I knew we had to stop. I felt a bit like I was going to be sick (maybe from all the crying and not being able to eat that morning). I stood up and threw away my tissue pile. T: "I wish I was leaving you in better shape." Me: "It's OK. I'll be OK." (crying a bit more) T: "I just feel I'm leaving you with all these big things that came out." Me: "Yeah." T: "I feel like this was bad timing, with this weekend being Father's Day." Me: "Yeah, and I see my parents Sunday." T: "Well, remember, I'm seeing you Monday. I know we're not due to meet the second time next week till Friday, but if you find want to move it sooner, to Wednesday for example, we can do that. And I know you tend to feel weird about having an extra session like this, but I want to make it clear that I'm completely fine with it." Me: "Thanks."
Went over to pay. T, shaking my hand: "I hope you can have a good weekend. And that it goes OK with your dad." I started crying again. Me: "I'm sorry." T: "You don't have to apologize for crying. It doesn't bother me." Me: "Thanks. I guess if it bothers you, you're in the wrong profession." T: "True! Well, I hope it's a good father's day for your dad and the other fathers in your life." Me: "Yeah, like the father of my daughter." T: "Yes." Me: "I guess, Happy Father's Day to you, too." T: "Thank you. Take care." Me: "You too." I left and ended up sitting in my car in the parking lot for about a half hour collecting myself because I was still feeling really emotional. I ended up being OK.