I'm sorry you went through all of that. I can relate to what you described.
I was physically and emotionally abused as a kid and as a teenager. My father used to back me into a corner and hit me. I'd try to defend myself at first, but it was useless so I learned to sit still and wait for him to stop. Now I tend to freeze and dissociate when I feel scared or powerless.
A few years ago I was sexually abused by an ex-partner. I was dissociated the whole time and it took me a long time to realize I had been abused. Then the same happened with a roomate. There was consent at first but then he physically forced me even though I was begging him to stop because he was hurting me. I was shocked because of his reaction and I automatically dissociated. He continued to do things I had previously told him I didn't want to do. He also forced me to have sex with him 2 times that I arrived home drunk. I only wanted it to be over as soon as possible so I just let it happen.
This was like a year ago. I had been trying to ignore it until recently. I haven't been able to tell anyone about it because I still feel confused and guilty.
He was twice my age and I wasn't sexually attracted to him (not even when there was consensual sex), but there was something about the whole situation and would make feel sexually aroused, I don't know.
He was verbally abusive and very dominant in general. I'd always end up feeling confused and ashamed after we had sex.
Lately I feel like I can only feel sexually aroused when there's some kind of risk/domination or humiliation involved.
I don't think repressing these feelings would be a solution, but I'm also scared of exploring them because I tend to end up in abusive relationships and don't know how to protect myself even when I can see there's something hurting me.