Tomorrow I'll have to talk with my pdoc to decide whether im staying IP or getting out. Im scared of getting out but its something I'll need to do sooner or later, so maybe its better tomorrow so that i can meet up with P on wed. There are other things i need to do too but im afraid my parents wont let me be alone at my flat in fear i attempt again. So in a way, getting out, would be useless if i cant do my stuff alone. Im scared of meeting up with P too. What will i tell him? Too much, and scare him away? Or too little so that he finds me boring? It cant go well with him. I already know. Who would want me? And the stuff i need to do... and survive 3 whole days at work? Maybe i could ask to work less, they would probably let me, but still it would mean being at work anyway.

I dont want to face it all over again. I dont want to go back in the real world again. I dont know when to attempt again and i guess thats what scares me the most. Not having a real plan. Having to live as before. I dont want to live. I want to be dead. But its so hard to find the perfect day, the perfect moment and the meeting of my thoughts, wants, needs, feelings... all together cooperating to create the perfect attempt. I dont know if all these things will be "at the same page" all together again soon. How can i do it without a perfect plan?

Baby steps, i know, but thats exactly what scares me and i dont want to do. No baby steps, no life. I dont want it. And here, being IP IS a little like not living...
Not sure i explained myself too well, sorry. Im confused and scared and not having a plan is the worst for me. Theres no peace in my mind. It keeps being numb, trying to find a solution, not finding it and being back to numb again. I hate it. What can i do to calm down? Im going crazy here. And nobody can help me. And who could, cant because they cant. Nobody can.