I'm trying to build knowledge and get focus, motivation, a bit of hedonia, interest in a passion, better cognitive ability, creativity, better memory (Less brain fog) all while relaxed at the same time.


I don't think meditation is working for me. I WANT to be stressed and active. I WANT the mental insanity and things to be pissed off about. I don't want to be "normal" like I once wanted to be.. Like completely zen with no problems or challenges just vegetating, stuck in traffic, eating crappy food, ****** job, drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes, wife, kids then travel when I'm old.


I want exciting things to happen. I always talk about life with such energy of what it could be and I have a good imagination about it. I live in a grandiose alternate false reality and I want to make it a reality.


First I'm starting with a 3 day water fast which will give me energy instead of just eating whenever which gives dopamine and relaxes me. I want to be agitated a little. Like imagine all the drug cravings I must have? I never have cravings I just have an obsession. Then I'm gonna do bunch of more research and I want it to be entertaining. I want to know everything about everything and go deep into thought so I'll meditate after I become stressed.


I wish stimulants affected me like a normal person but I'm extremely tired all the time that it just cancels that out. I'm going to try and challenge my negative symptoms with self therapy and research because my current therapist isn't helping. She's a really bad therapist.


There's so many things that I want to do but I don't even know where to start. I don't have the resources and have to figure that out for myself.


Yesterday was a really ****** day. I talked to no one so I had no social interaction. Just alone and a zombie. I was so tired and had heart paranoia so I took benzos and felt so unmotivated and wanted to do things so I took vyvanse at midnight and then did 3 hours of research then slept the whole night and morning. I think it's because the injection kicked in. 2 days ago was so much better. I'm feeling a bit better now.


Oddly enough, if I didn't take the Vyvanse, I wouldn't be able to sleep. I can't sleep without taking Vyvanse. I just sleep for 5-30 minutes then stay awake for 5 minutes and repeat 24 hours a day which feels literally like I'm being tortured by someone.