Dear T,

Sorry about all that, I don't know what's wrong with me. But thanks for your replies, including the second one which was from your phone. I think I've figured out some of the things that triggered me, we can talk about them when I see you next, whether Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I imagine I can be a particularly challenging and frustrating client. How sometimes I'm two steps forward, one step back, other times two steps forward, five steps back. And I'm attached to you, and you've mostly been dealing with that OK. But it's freaking me out that you're going out of town in a week and a half--I'd feel better if your backup got back to me, so at least I could possibly see her, if she's around. Or I guess maybe your other backup? But I don't want to tell you I'm freaking out about your going away because I should be able to handle that, it's a week, FFS, I imagine you'll allow email. But I just feel that for some reason I've been teetering on the edge of a dark place and am worried that I'll totally fall down there. I feel like I need to apologize to you for getting stuck with me. Like you think you're doing well and helping me and I'm doing well, then I'm suddenly not doing OK. I imagine you'd prefer clients with a more regular trajectory, but then you've said it often doesn't work that way. I just...I don't know. Thank you. I love you and don't know how to deal with that. Not like how I loved ex-MC, nothing like that, but still it's there in some way. I think you going the funeral brought it out more, I don't know. Hm, there's a lot of "I don't know" in here, isn't there? Anyway, uh, I'm just rambling on to you via PC right now. Just grateful, I guess. And a little scared, too.

Love you,
LT