You aren’t alone with this. I had the same feelings of arousal when fantasising about being treated badly during sex. I was able to “retrain” my mind (with the help of lots of romance fiction!) to where my fantasies are almost all about being treated well, given lots of praise, and told that I’m special or good. It doesn’t work 100% of the time, and it’s so very easy for my mind to take a sharp left and suddenly I’m having climaxing to the thoughts of something horrible. Give it time if you’re able. My abuse went on for 20 years, and it’s taken me an awful long time to get to where I am when it comes to sex. But it is possible, and I hope you can feel at peace with yourself soon. These desires were forced on you as part of the abuse. You can fight it.