I grew up in a dysfunctional home. My father was physically and psychologically abusive and that caused a lot of harm for me. My mother never did anything to try to protect me or herself (in fact she would often try to justify his behavior).
I learned from a very young age not to ask for anything. I was always trying to control things/making sure everything was okay. I'd try to anticipate to other people's reactions, try to please everyone, read other people's reactions, etc.
I had to learn to ignore my emotions and needs and I would often dissociate.

I still struggle with dissociation, emotional dysregulation, codependency and self-destructive behaviors. However, I've made a lot of progress in the past few years. Understanding my story and that it wasn't my fault has helped me a lot.
What hasn't changed is the fact that I often feel like I need someone to look up to and be able to trust them and feel comforted/ protected/...safe.
I'm constantly on guard and I have a lot of trust issues in general.
My whole life I've had this tendency to idealize older women (often in positions of authority) that were like a mother figure to me. It's like I'm still unconsciously trying to get those needs met.

I understand that no one will be able to give me that "sense of safety and unconditional love" that I'm looking for (especially because I often tend to look for it in people that are emotionally unavailable).
I know it's my responsibility to take care of myself now, but there are times when I wish someone would come and "save me", I guess...
I don't know, it's so exhausting.
It's even harder when I'm going through periods of stress. I feel so powerless and vulnerable.

I think my mother's emotional neglect has caused me more pain than all the abuse I went through. It hurts so much and I feel like it's never gonna end...