Okay so I am not sure where I fit with the forums. I think I have a problem. I just feel so fake. Everyone loves me. I am the perfect daughter, the perfect sister and friend. Ever since I was little I was the one making the family as a collective look good even though they were such screw ups. Everyone loves how kind and nice I am. I am a nice person to people but I don't feel nice on the inside.
I wouldn't be the carer of my little brother. She just wanted to leave and was so emotional. So were my brothers and so were my sisters. Me and dad on the other hand didn't cry once and make jokes about how hysterical people were at the funeral (because my oldest brother had isolated himself for years and we joked about the people were complete strangers).
So now I have to yet again put my life on hold to sort my families mess out but they just keep screwing up. Like I am one of six (five now) and the second youngest yet I am the one who has to fix everything. It sucks because I can't just leave it- the amount of times they have almost gotten themselves killed or actually died .
I don't mind working 38 hours a week to support my family. I really don't. Work is amazing. I am a manager so shifts go the way I want with ease.
So I don't have time for a social life. I don't even want friends though. In high school I had heaps but I only hung around them to uphold an image. I was bullied in primary so I made sure that I upheld social expectations so that wouldn't happen again. It stopped for 2 yeas then he came back again for a year and so I decided to charge him when I realised he wasn't leaving the second time and he actually started to stalk me to work and school and stuff. Court case lasted two years and the day before my 18th he was formally charged.
I always have something traumatic going on and it sucks. I have to be nice to other people all the time too. I am sick of upholding this image - this pedestal I am put on sometimes feels like a cliffs edge.