Today was my first day in real life after 2 weeks of being IP.

I was pretty scared to get out and to start the day, but once decided i had to get out and once stated that being scared is normal and is what i always feel like when getting out, it was a bit easier. it helped a lot to know T and exT are on my side and pdoc wants to see me on friday morning. also, it helped a lot having asked at work to have a part time schedule this week.

Going back to work this morning was hard. i had to think "thats why i wanted to off myself". but as the morning proceeded it started to get a little easier and i started to feel more comfortable.

After work i had this "date" with P. we just had lunch break together actually. but it was the first time i saw P outside the workplace except for having been in contact through texts while i was IP. we talked a lot. about our studies, previous jobs, friendhsips, muisc, dancing, sports, volunteering and we admitted to each other that we both have been patients at the mental health center. and i admitted to him thats where i was during these 2 weeks of sick leave. it didnt seem to bother him, he just said its quite normal for very sensitive people, so he made it look as if it was a positive thing. at the greeting moment we kissed each other on the cheek (i started it - i guess i just think i have othing to lose if i try to be more open and effusive. i wanted to see how it would feel and it felt a bit embarassing but nice) and then he went back to work and i left.

i honestly dont know what i would want to come out of this. based on previous relationships i guess this will lead to failure because normal people in a normal relationship expect kisses, sex, sleeping together, emotional dependance etc. while i could tolerate them but not looking forward to them. id like for both of us to have a Squish on each other but possibilities that this happens are maybe less than zero. but since each and every relationship is unique, i guess i could think that maybe things could be different with him. i have already told him i love the way he talks and he said he feels the same about me. next time we get to talk (if we do it again) id like to focus more on the present and future rather than the past as we did today. it doesnt sound like he has a gf but maybe, from what he said, i could think he has a crush on one of his girl friends. i dont know and i dont wan to think too much. just letting things go as naturally and spontaneously as possible.

my T texted me to know how i was doing and i told her i was trying to keep myself busy not to think too much but that up to that moment things were ok.

after that i went at the mall. got a toner and did grocery shopping. once at my flat, i saw i had received 2 letters. one is a bill to pay (but thats ok because it will go automatically) and the other is a registered mail, so i'll have to go at the postal office to get what was sent. im sick of these things. i hope i'll get it done within this week, when i go to close my bank account (i switched to another one). also i immediately saw there is a new carpet at my neighbors door. i didnt hear nosies and i saw a man coming out of it alone, so i guess they're working on the flat before coming to live here but im a bit disappointed it didnt stay vacant. now i just hope the new neighbors will be decent and there wont be problems.

i called my mom to tell her the news. i couldnt wait until tonight… also i noticed its quite hot at my flat, and maybe i'll have to buy an air conditioner… i put everything in order and started to update my files and decided to keep my "last will box" here instead of at my parents'. its easier to update that too..

as soon as i opened my laptop i saw i have problems with Windows. so i called my dad and will bring him the laptop so that he can fix it. i really hope he gets to fix it.

then, while writing this post, and thinking about soon going to sleep, i had to re-call my mom because i was a bit scared of going to sleep alone. she got to calm me down and tranquilize me a bit. its true. i dont like it very much. i love being free of eating what i want and when i want it but being alone all the time is a bit scary. even though when im at my parents i spend most of the time alone with my tv series, LIVING alone is different. theres nobody i can exchange a word with or nobody to go to if i have a problem or just feel like chatting a bit. i usually dont, but having my parents' presence at their home is reassuring. living alone is scary. maybe thats why i keep writing all about my day here… trying to feel less lonely…. deluding myself im not THIS alone.

all the while, i had a small dinner, got my meds and now im ready to go to bed. almost….
Tomorrow will be a busy day too. i keep trying to keep myself busy so that i dont think too much…
i guess…. more tomorrow...