I need support and help as quickly as possible, as this week I’ve just been falling apart. To cope with some recent stressors, namely an argument I had with my folks on a recent trip and seemingly losing my only possible chance for love when she got engaged recently, I went to the bar one night last week. It was chill at first. Watched my favorite baseball team but then it turned ugly when I got buzzed and started walking home afterwards. I walked heavier than usual and my recent stress came back even worse than it was before drinking.
Then I took 15 mg of melatonin during my stupor.

Then I got my very first speeding ticket yesterday, and I have been under constant anxiety attacks since. I was asleep until almost 12:30 pm, after turning in last night at midnight, and then didn’t even get out of bed until 2. Like the last incident I was careless about my usual melatonin supplement, when I had my typical 5 mg at bedtime, but then 10 mg when I got impatient about returning to sleep at 4:30 am. I’ve been paranoid about driving, so I depended heavily on Ubers and my former campus’s shuttles all day.

On both occasions, when I’ve talked to my support group about these problems, I’ve dropped things like (possible thoughts triggered, follows):



I have no plans to commit suicide, but I am worried about what I have said at the times when I was intoxicated and just out of stress. Are these thoughts suicidal and needing action?

All of these incidents have come from a basis of becoming angry with my relationships (particularly my parents, larger social groups) in recent years, and what is the antidote? More relationships, the necessary evil that has made me spiral in the first place! Seems absurd when my support group (parents, aunt, couple of friends) have recommended this, because I literally have nothing good to offer to improve anybody’s quality of life. The rejections I have received, both romantic and from my last few circles I previously affiliated with, all proved that I do not have anything to add, except trying my best to be just like everybody else. All relationships have the risk for getting hurt, why take the risk?

I’m venting, so I apologize for yet another long post, but I am worried about my self-control at the moment. I’m seeing my counselor more and increasing my Lexapro to 20 mg because of my increase in anxiety symptoms and doomsday thinking. But what other coping strategies can I implement to avoid too much alcohol or melatonin supplements? Will my life continue to be a hopeless spiral relationally and emotionally?