I have been in the wrong forums all along and I knew it. I was told I had bi-polar 2, but recently went to a perinatal-psychiatrist who said nope, it seems more Borderline. She explained what it is, what the stigma associated with it is. I am a mess needless. I am 15 weeks pregnant, and had to go back on my meds. I tried to go off them for the baby, I lasted through the 1st trimester and then a few disturbing outbursts/crisises caused me to realize I need them. So I started on 1/2 25mg Lamictal (I used to take lamictal plus lexapro, im tryting to take as little as possible but I was doing really well on that combo). I was feeling OK-ish on the half dose, but I am also currently not really working much. I left my very stressful job, am working home now for my Dad, my goal/dream is to freelance or find something I actually enjoy doing 2x week.

But I went up to the full 25mg pill and I feel worse for some reason. I have been 2 days in a crisis w/ my husband b/c he dared to bring up me going back to work. It completely flipped me out, still does. I am terrified of finding another sh!tty job. I can't deal with crap bosses anymore. I even felt so desperate to look up if I qualify for disability benefits :/ apparently I make too much with my part time job to qualify. My last job my Dr gave me a note saying I had to leave immediately so I was hoping I might be able to supplement some $. I am supposed to make a certain amount in agreement with my husband and right now I am making about half that.

Anyway, I can vent in the career section. I just want to say being re-diagnosed has thrown me for a loop. My husband I know is trying to help but lately has made things worse for me when he says things. It makes me feel like a sucker to the disorder. Not to mention, being pregnant and all of those ups and downs. I was just really starting to enjoy my life, we had just gotten home from a few week trip to Europe, I was going to settle in, we are having a gender reveal party soon, and after that was going to pick up steam on the work front. But apparently that was all news to hubby, and he got mad b/c I apparently assumed he knew my plan or something like that.

I hate the fights, and anger and rage and crying. I feel exhausted, im scared/worried if my baby is OK. I am angry at my husband for pushing me into this place in my head. At a time I need him to be there and be super understanding, he is being distant and unhelpful, I feel judged by him and like a failure to him all b/c I can't get a job. I know I can get a job, I have skills and all, it will just make my life even more miserable. Im in a panic state, yet I just want to curl up in bed, yet I am resenting that I can't just be happy today and prepare for my party like I had planned and work for my dad on my own damn terms. Why can't things just work out!!!!

Anyway, thanks for listening. The only reassuring thing I read about BPD recently is it gets better with age, where as I believe bi-polar gets worse. So maybe there is hope I will be a more mellow happier old lady.