Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
Sounds like a living hell to me. And I don't think moving to the renovated flat is going to fix everything either. I say that because I think your fiance is always going to be overly entwined with his family of origin. Maybe it's good you're seeing all this now prior to the wedding day. I believe you love this guy, but it seems like he holds all the cards. You feel powerless, which is no way to live.
Right now you have some leverage in this relationship because you can leave now more easily than you will be able to after the wedding. I know you are committed to him, but I think you need to renegotiate this relationship - now. This business of going to the new flat being put off and put off is baloney. He seems to not feel answerable to you at all. That's a bad precedent to let stand. He's training you to tolerate and suck up whatever plans he cares to make - that you have little part in making. Prepare for a lifetime of this kind of crap.
So you need to show you won't be played for a fool. Tell him you want to know exactly what's going on with the renovation of this flat. Ask for a move-in date. Then tell him that's not soon enough. Give him a sooner date. Tell him he must agree, or you will leave. Then be prepared to leave. It will be a showdown . . . a confrontation . . . but that's what is called for. He's got to make some kind of concession now, or you're going to be forever powerless in this relationship.
It may be that your fiance wants a totally compliant wife. It's not a happy way to live.
It's hard to think of fighting with someone you're in love with. It may be necessary, or your happiness may be put on the back burner from here on in.
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Thanks for the insights. Looking at my post now, I see at what a low point I was - we just came back from fabulous holidays back to the daily ****** situation etc.
At the same time, I don't wanna pretend everything is ok.
I had a talk with my fiancee a few days about the flat situation, we even made a shared excel so we can both keep track of stuff. In both our countries construction work takes super long (for many reasons) yet I'm sure it would be done quicker if I could handle it, it's just more hands on deck and I am naturally more pushy with this kind of things.
What you said about following the plans he made - flat situation aside, it used to happen a lot that the family or a people we'd be on holidays with just agree on sth and then he would ask me 'do you wanna do plan A?, I'd be like 'well, no' and he'd say 'oh everybody already agreed' (nr 1 reason we don't do holidays with only his friends anymore) - and I cut those situations quickly and he knows that I'm not falling for this kind of BS. It still happens, but def not on purpose (it happens that I non-intentionally do this kind of thing when we are in my country too, it's difficult to keep the only non-speaker involved in a group).
I think I need to communicate with him more... I'm not very good at it and my previous relationship died partly because of that. Now I'm much much better and learned from my mistakes but maybe I'm still not open enough to talk about my issues.