WOW, THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS! i didnt expect any answer really, especially since i have written an essay yesterday and i think im SO boring… but thanks, everyone for answering or even just reading. really, from the bottom of my heart. THANK YOU!!!!

Today was ok. i slept pretty well in spite of the hot. im finally losing weight. while being IP i started eating less and it gave me the courage to continue this way even out, so im finally losing and im so happy and more confident now. especially since summer and the beach are here now.

work went pretty well. nothing special between me and P. we were just colleagues as always, no mentioning of yesterday's lunch together. its ok this way. its easier. not having much pressure. but if it happens, i'll ask him out for another lunch together i guess. i really like talking with him.

after work i went at the Human Resources because i had to do some paperwork because of the sick leave in IP and i got the chance to chat a bit with my "old" colleagues (the ones i started with, when i was supposed to be a secretary for them but since it could not become a real job they invited me to try the call center job and i did, even though i hated and still dont like it too much, so im happy when i see the old colleagues. one of them is also my "friend" since we met a couple of times outside of the working place). we got to hat a bit about how my job is going, about the courses we attended and we actually had a good time together.

after that i went at the postal office to complete the paperwork and then i went to get two small presents for my friend and her bf since they both have their bday at the end of the month. i thought i could get the gifts in time for once and i did find what i was looking for (a cd with relaxing music for my friend and a key chain for him). i even spent less than i thought so i was pretty happy and satisfied with myself.

then i went at my flat to get some stuff (laptop included and i REALLY hope my dad will fix the windows problem!) and came at my parents. just because its easier to see the pdoc tomorrow morning coming from their house rather than mine. they are not here tonight so im alone again but i feel safer at my parents'. im not sure why. yesterday night i was feeling so bad i asked my mom to sing me a lullaby on the phone. i dont know how but it really relaxed me and comforted me. i know it may sound ridiculous at my age, but im such a scared little girl inside… im also lucky my mom doesnt think its too weird and complies me. i must say it when my mom really is a GOOD mom.

so once here, i took a shower, cuddled a bit with my cat and started dinner while coming here on PC. it really helps me feeling less alone.

now i'll go feed the cats, then watch my tv series while waiting for my parents to come home. from my dad i hope he'll fix the laptop issue while from my mom i hope she'll stay a little bit with me before going to bed. im still taking my meds as prescribed and i think they're helping me. but what really helps is knowing that i do have a perfect plan and if/when things will be too bad and dark and desperate i'll have the strength to follow through. this is what gives me the strength to go on at the moment. the awareness that i can stop it all whenever i want it.

somebody said once: "without the idea of suicide i would have surely killed myself". i find this so true…

Good night everyone