Saw my pdoc today. He explained, as did my T, that my rage is totally justified and healthy. Pushing it all back in is not the way to stay safe, as past psychosis demonstrates.

As I feel I’m on the edge of sanity at times he gave me 25 mg Seroquel to punch out before I kill someone. However, he wants me to only use it when I’m in danger as experiencing the rage can have healing and strengthening properties. Like making me refuse to be controlled, abused or manipulated again.

This was encouraging and helpful. He has had PTSD before (ex-military), and runs a PTSD program and it shows. He really gets it. We talked for longer than usual. I guess he was making sure I wasn’t going to go psychotic like I felt I was heading. Otherwise, Bipolar is still calm and silent thankfully.

After that I went to the brand new local outdoor pool by the beach. I discovered how swimming with a snorkel is way easier than with goggles alone. I thought I was fit-ish in the water but it seems I have a long way to go.

Still, I am very irritable all the time, and the anger needs an outlet as apparently killing a list of people is not appropriate. The urge to self destruct is immense. I have always taken it out on myself. Not now. I won’t let those ****ers win.