@KuzMax, I am not by any means stating that I know what you're going through, because it seems rather painful what you're experiencing. But self-harm is not a positive coping skill. The idea is to come up with another more positive coping skill to replace self-harm. Of course, I'm not a therapist, but I think that giving self-harm such a positive spin is not a good thing. It also seems to me like upon first glance, it might seem like self-harm has kept you alive, as you say, but I don't think you need to thank self-harm for that. Also, I don't see why suicide is not connected with self-harm. Self-harm is sort of a way of seeing "what suicide is like" so to speak. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but I am talking in general terms here. Also, can you say there is even a reason for suicide? It seems to me like suicide is caused by a variety of factors, but can we generalize and say there are specific reasons why people commit suicide? The truth, it seems to me, is unable to be known. I am not trying to be oppositional here, though I'm just trying to help you out with some of the things you wrote in this posting. Do you have any professional help you can turn to? I sincerely hope you can get some help or at least some more clarity on this matter.