I will report back how it went.

It is strange how things are going since we solidified plans. She talks less and we have not video chatted in a few weeks, she says she is busy and probably is and I know my paranoia is probably making things worse in my mind. Her son's dad is giving her a hard time also. When we talk it is very nice as always though. My mind fills in the blanks and that is never a good thing.

It is giving me nightmares, my health has also taken a downturn which is so fitting. Nothing life-threatening sadly, but it is enough to make it difficult to know how much I will be able to do while she visits and I really want this to go well. She says she would be happy and maybe happiest if we just cuddle and talk and watch movies.

I guess I will be careful, but I am not sure what that means. If it doesn't work out, I will be absolutely devastated and there is nothing I could do to lessen the blow. I don't think I will even try to find any friends, it was a stupid idea on my part.

I do have my children and grandchildren to be emotionally involved in and that will have to be enough. It just seems impossible to find friends locally and if my relationship fails, I am done with trying to find relationships. It is too difficult and stressful and if this fails than I still have a perfect record of failure.

People my age seem to either have long standing relationships and friendships or are living like a hermit and nothing in between. Right now, I am in between those and it is a miserable place to be. If she does not want to advance our relationship there is only one place for me to go

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds