Yes, so much so that I was invaded and disrespected badly where I suffered a great deal of damage and loss that overwhelmed me to where I experienced a post traumatic stress breakdown. Then I was treated badly for experiencing a post traumatic stress breakdown. I failed to get the right help so I progressed into developing full blown PTSD. It's been very hard learning all about what I experienced and seeing how if I had gotten the right treatment I may very well have avoided developing the disorder.

I know you also struggle with ptsd yourself and for a long time you did not even have it in you to talk even. It's very important that you recognize how far you HAVE come on your healing journey. You are trying to interact and this can present you with some challenges that can trigger you. It's important that you allow yourself to recognize that you are learning and in that you will experience some triggers and setbacks. What I have noticed though is that you are discussing these various challenges that's a lot of progress for you. It's important to understand that when you have a negative experience and run to your cave to recover it doesn't mean you are a failure or any of the things Toxic people from your past tried to label you with. These individuals were toxic and totally ill equiped to provide healthy nurturing to a child.

I know for myself I have had to deal with a very unbalanced toxic individual and though I have talked about it, it's really hard when it comes to explaining to others how bad it has been in a way these others don't hand me some "just ignore it" suggestions. On top of that I also have another presence that constantly talks over me, interupts me and likes to hand me orders instead of providing me with a calm presence. This presence is wired so differently than me and it tends to aggravate the ptsd that I am trying very hard to manage. One day a therapist said to me "wow, that's pretty intense, must be hard to live with" and I learned what that kind of presence is labelled as and YES, it can be exhausting to live with, even more so when challenged with ptsd. This kind of presence is not able to see how I manage things and CONSTANTLY has to change things around and that makes my challenge worse in that I am trying to recover what I had and it doesn't help to experience a presence that constantly changes things around, and will even do so in conversations as well. Along with that this individual has extremely loud body language so he doesn't have to say anything he wears it all over his face and displays it constantly by getting increasingly louder and slamming doors and drawers. I have a lot of broken cabinets and doors and drawers.

When I share in my own thread at times I can be reactive simply because how things are for me IRL that others simply can't see. The past six months alone were so bad on so many levels I don't even know how to describe it tbh. However, the one person who CAN see it is the trauma therapist I am working with. My therapist is a calm presence and he doesn't have any kind of presence that expresses this need to take over and fill the room. I can get triggered if I experience a presence that focuses on me to the point where they cross examine me and criticize anything I say trying to correct me. The only way this individual could even begin to understand that is to experience the individuals that have hovered over me in the most intrusive toxic ways where I literally have been overwhelmed with constantly controlling presences and so little freedom to function on so many levels. I can't even sit and watch something on TV with my husband without him interupting what I am watching with statements and questions like I am supposed to have written the movie we are watching. I could not be around my parents without experiencing this awful hovering presence that paced back and forth and needed to watch every little thing I did or said. And then this presence decided to project all these things accusing me of doing things I never did too. It got so it was utterly delusional. Honestly, I sit across from my therapist so triggered needing to vent and a big part of that is wrapped up in disbelief about how bad things really were.

So, I know how hard it can be to find your own voice. And I know how it feels to just want to climb in your cave and shut everything out too. It's ok to retreat and pull back when you need to do so. It's awsome that you have progressed to where you are talking about the challenges you are facing. It's important to remember how far you have come and that you are trying to learn and you have ventured out trying to engage. I have had people say some very mean things to me too Fuzzy, yet I have also had to step back and consider the source too, that's something you are trying to work on yourself. It's important that you continue to look at these flashes and allow yourself to say "that person was wrong back then and is still wrong now". I get these toxic flashes too, I know first hand how intrusive they can be and how patient I have to be when they come forward and I relive the hurts I experienced when they happened before I was able to stand up and defend myself.