This depression is really kicking my ***, and I'm tired of trying to Live. I won't hurt myself or anything, but it crosses my mind pretty damn frequently. Not passing at all. But I won't do anything. I'm willing myself not to. I'm tired of disappointing people -- and especially for things that aren't my fault... so what am I supposed to do, really?
I thought I'd feel better this summer but I really don't at all. My prescription is about to run out and I don't have a doctor yet. My meds don't really do much as is but it's just sort of nice to have them because it means I'm trying to make an effort. A family member of mine goes to doctors all the time and I don't. It's this ****in' comparison that's doing it to me. He gets to go to treatment and I'm left dragging my heels in the dirt. He's seen as suffering more than me.
I can't cry anymore. I feel this sadness overwhelming me. I wear it like a skin. It conceals me. I don't have peace, and I am in pain. I am suffering.
I look back on things in the past and really cringe. I wish I could erase parts of myself and my life. Maybe I should stop saying things like this, because maybe something might happen, and my life will be erased, and I'll be comatose. I don't want that to happen. I often worry that my thoughts and conflicting statements will actually happen and that things will be my fault.
I am sitting alone on this Sunday morning dreading this upcoming week. I wish my life weren't this way. I really should stop pitying myself. It is quite disgusting and I don't want to be antagonized.
I am curious as to why in all my suffering my issues are overlooked. I will never suffer "enough" for people to notice or care. That's how it seems, the way I'm being treated.