Repeatedly. Everyday. I have thoughts of people harming me. They won't stop. I have tried everything: meditation, challenging the thoughts, praying, repeating mantras. Nothing has worked.

The thoughts grab me and I get caught up in them. Lately, even though I get engaged by the thoughts, I just let them run their course. I do not have control over them. They cause me to lose my train of thought all the time and lead to a lack of accomplishing things because they are distracting. Increasingly, I isolate. People continue to treat me badly in real life too which only supports the repeated thoughts of former friends and coworkers mistreating me.

I know that it started in my childhood which was very dysfunctional. As a teen, I thought that - since everything I tried went wrong - that I should just plan it to so that I was prepared with what to do and say. But that has gone very wrong. Now it seems that even my brain is attacking me. Due to this mental illness, I isolate almost all the time. When I try to do anything, it seems to go wrong like I am cursed. I try to lift weights and exercise and moderation but only end up injured. Due to chronic foot and arm problems, I have had to stop all sports. This has caused me to become despondent. I can barely leave my apartment on weekends to do the laundry. I dread everything.

The thoughts have become increasingly violent with me fighting back and breaking people's faces or necks or stabbing or shooting them. The thoughts make me dislike almost everyone. I don't own any weapons and have never physically harmed anyone but, if provoked sufficiently, I now just might. I really would like to get revenge on the people who have been cruel. So, I just isolate.

I wish I could enjoy things and do the things that I would like to do but everything seems to go wrong. People have become more cruel than ever so I don't want to go out and meet anyone. I am not getting better. All it seems that I can do is hang on as best I can until this awful life is over.