Today has been hard. inside i mean.

apparently everything went ok. didnt sleep very well but got to rest all day watching tv series, cuddling with my cats and everything seemed ok. i went to the grocery store for my parents, went to get gas for my car and also watched a movie exT gave me as a GIFT (the first and only gift i got from him - something material i mean). i had already seen it (years ago when he first mentioned it), i dont find it particularly deep or resonating with me so im not sure why it means so much to him that he wanted to share it with me, but it got me thinking about stuff and i started feeling like SHing (especially since my parents went away fro 2 hours) and re-planning my sui day.

but i behaved well. no self harm, no comfort binge eating, no pills, not bothering anyone only to keep me distracted (and didnt hear from P anyway). took a shower instead but didnt help calming down. i feel so much turmoil inside.

im trying to tell myself i just have to behave normal, follow routine and schedules and will also get to see T on wed. but inside, deep inside, im so agitated, im thinking about when and how soon will be the day. im trying to hold on with baby steps, baby goals etc. but i really would just want to end it all. im tired of everything. sick and tired of everything. why did they stop me? i dont want to disappoint anyone, especially Ts and family, but i feel so much like giving up. bad day today