When thinking of “unbelievably atrocious acts of cruelty and inhuman treatment” I think of Holocaust or Khmer Rouge or Rwandan Genocide etc etc

We lost most of our family in the Holocaust, my great grandparents and all many siblings of my grandparents etc etc my grandparents were the only who survived. I have no intention to forgive what was done to them but we don’t tend to live in anger. We move on and continue surviving and living well being a living proof that attempts to get rid of us obviously didn’t work and never will. The other way to go about it is to channel that negative energy helping others of advocating for other minorities who might be victims of discrimination and potential inhumane treatment.

I don’t believe we need to forgive atrocities but I also don’t believe in vengeance, we could do something productive and positive with that lack of forgiveness such as helping others in need and living good life making difference every day either in our jobs or our families.

Now if you aren’t talking about such extreme cases but just about some random nasty people I tend not to give it much thought.

Previously mentioned atrocities were committed against people’s will and there was no escape and no way to fight.

If it’s just simply not seeing red flags and being in denial consciously or subconsciously allowing bad treatment (none of us is immune to that) then my take on it is to learn your lesson, be smarter next time and do better next time, live your life well, focus on positives and don’t agonize over what was done. Focusing on forgiveness doesn’t serve any purpose for me. I urge to resist rumination over what can’t be changed.

I have to add that if someone you feel you need to forgive is someone in your life and has to remain
that way: a parent with explosive temper or unhelpful sibling then I could see a desire to forgive. If however it’s just some boyfriend who absolutely doesn’t need to be in your life at all, then what’s the point of worrying to forgive him. Possibly it’s better to focus on forgiving yourself for allowing bad treatment and do better next time.

I sometimes wonder if your preoccupation with forgiving men who treated/treat you poorly is due to you not forgiving yourself for allowing it. It’s not as much about forgiving them as about you learning and getting better in recognizing abuse. No need to worry about forgiving them. I also suggest you stop any contacts with exes because it tends to cause all these thoughts (like that ex with cheating and porn issues etc). Let them all go.