Here's the history:

I uprooted my whole life to save him from homelessness.

I supported him financially for four months while he supposedly was "looking for a job" to help out

He never got a job, was always in the bathroom when making his "business calls"

I bought him weed every week to help with his nausea (coming off an antidepressant he claimed)

Then I learned recently that in fact, he was charging DXM on my credit card and was high on drugs while he was supposed to finding a job (while I was supporting him)

He was an abusive alcoholic to boot -- would verbally and emotionally abuse me every single time he drank too much

I eventually kicked him out of the apartment and got fed up

We go back together a month later (stupid, I know)

I spent another $200 giving him a bus ride back to his home state because it wasn't going to work out here..

I even convinced his grandmother to take him back in, when she had kicked him out and didn't want to

Then a couple months later, I caught him emotionally cheating on me

So we broke up, and he tells me that he loved his other ex fiance more than me!

I am most exasperated to recently learn that he was using MY debit card WITHOUT asking me to buy drugs while I was stressing about money trying to support the both of us.

The real icing on the cake, after he abused me multiple times when drinking, was when he said he loved his other ex more than me.

I guess what I still feel, and continue to feel is PURE OUTRAGE. I am enraged.

And I am stuck. I cannot get past this at all, no matter what I do.

I am even married now, and I cannot let it go fully. It's not as though it's a constant, but it's there, in the background each and every day haunting me.

And I have made progress since him (meaning my life has progressed). It's now been two years.

And what he said about loving his ex more? That completely denigrated ME, everything I had done to help him AND our entire relationship!!!!

And I am still burning up over the entirety of it all...

And I will never know the truth of the matter (whether he loved her more).

Even if he said it to hurt me, it still denigrates the entire relationship and makes ME look so entirely unimportant & worthless to him, AFTER ALL I HAD DONE TO HELP HIM.

The anger & rage I feel eats me up inside.