When I suggested that you have to forgive yourself for allowing bad treatment and doing all these things for him, you said you forgave yourself. But it doesn’t sound like you did. Honestly. You sound like deep inside you are upset that you did all these things for a guy who wasn’t worth it. But you aren’t alone in it. We can all relate in one way or the other wasting time or money or whatever else on wrong people at some point.

The thing is you can’t expect him to be a nice guy and you can’t expect of him to apologize. You know that fable about frog and a scorpion. Scorpion bites because that’s what they do. This guy is an addict and abuser and uses women because that’s what he does. You don’t go to bread shop to buy veggies because they aren’t selling them. You don’t go for answers to people who can’t and won’t provide them

And again my favorite quote of my t: it’s a waste of time trying to understand why people do what they do as you’ll never have an answer. All you could do is focus on why you do what you do, that’s all that you can control.