Next month is my birthday, well its actually in 11 days by now, and I hate it. I dont want to have lived another year and the closer I get the more **** I feel. Lifes kinda been sucking up to this point and I feel like I've kinda reached a new low. I dont think theres a point in living and Im just painfully lonely and sad. Im an overall boring person that just drives everyone away.

I really want to die before my birthday but I know Im too much of a ***** ***** to do such a thing. I have an idea of what I wanna do but I know I can never bring myself to actually have enough balls to finally end it. I fear like Im a waste of everyones time and that I'll just never get better so whats the point? I feel like I cant talk to anyone without dragging them down. Heck, no one irl knows Im suicidal since I pretty much just fake being fine all the time or never tell anyone else about my feelings.

I dont know what point Im trying to make here I just feel like ****.