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Old Jun 24, 2019, 01:47 AM
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magicalprince magicalprince is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 639
Quote:
Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
Thank you to everyone for your insights and thoughts! I really appreciate your input, and every single one of you has me thinking about this more.

I am quoting magicalprice's post since this really resonated with me the most right now. And @Divine your comment as well.

That I gave SO much of my heart, my life and my world to someone who took full advantage of my heart AND who was NOT worthy of my heart and love, in the end.

Yes, I moved mountains for him because I loved him THAT MUCH.

Then to have him tell me he loved his ex more? AND then I learn he stole from me to secretly do drugs behind my back?

On top of everything else he pulled that was SO wrong?

No, I don't feel I self-sacrifice in order to feel worthy of love....

I just went to great lengths for this person BECAUSE I was SO in love with him. And I thought he was SO in love with me too. We did get engaged after all, and hoped to get married one day.

It just takes everything away that was valuable and special at one point, for him to say he loved her more.

He was wrong for me and it never would have worked, but still..... one would like to look back on their past relationships with fondness and nice memories...

All I have is bitterness.

I don't feel he used me, so please any other thoughts, please don't just tell me he used me. I really don't think he did. Deep down, I think he did truly love me, and was simply trying to hurt me with his words in the end.

I think he is one messed up, very hurtful and cruel person that I got involved with. I no longer beat myself up over it though.... not like I was a year ago.

For the longest time, I wanted revenge. And a part of me still does want the sweet taste of revenge.

People always say the best revenge is happiness and moving on without them. And I am pretty much happy.

But no, I don't feel I self sacrifice to feel worthy. I don't think I do that, at least. I give in love because that's what love is... you place the other person's happiness and well-being as important as your own, and sometimes, even more important if need be.
Just my guess but you are probably right that he was saying those things either a) to hurt you, probably because he felt hurt, whether or not he had any right to feel hurt, and/or b) to talk himself out of feeling bad about his actions.

Love... well love is really complicated, isn't it? There's a lot of reasons people can say things that betray what they feel. I think the point is that, his sincerity and how he really felt about you is something you'll probably never fully get closure on, yet at the same time, it seems to be one of the main factors that is lingering now and making you feel unable to let go of this past experience.

Man, I know how much it hurts to hear words like that that make you start to question everything you had experienced up to that point. That sense of betrayal. It hurts, but because of that pain you are kind of going back and forth and around in circles here. On one hand you're saying what he did was horrible and inhuman and on the other hand you're insisting that he wasn't using you because he really loved you. So the way I see it is that you are simultaneously of two minds about what happened and you're not sure which one to believe. Probably it's somewhere in the middle.... and even both sides can be true at the same time.

But then again, even if he 100% did love you, the fact of the matter remains that, did he treat you in the way you want to be treated? No. Even if he DID love you, that's no excuse to treat you that way. So to me it looks like one problem is that it seems like you wouldn't feel as bad about what he did to you as long as you don't have to doubt that he loved you. If he loved you then somehow it feels less unacceptable. So then because he said those words that cast doubt on his feelings, then that's where all of those things start to feel that much worse, then you REALLY feel taken advantage of and then you find yourself needing closure on how genuine were his feelings, which is the one part of this picture that you can't get closure on, so then it's impossible to move on.

So the point is, you have to separate "did he love me" from "were his actions cruel/did his actions hurt me." Love is not an excuse for any of this. It doesn't make it any less bad.