I did a lot of research on bipolar disorder when I got out of the hospital. I remember reading that the inability to properly regulate emotional responses is a major component of the disorder. It is caused by a difference in the chemicals in the body.

This chemical imbalance is the reason meds are helpful in treatment. It is also why so many patients instinctually self medicate with caffeine, alcohol, sugar, marijuana, and other substances. They do make a difference and often make patients truly feel better. The trouble is we aren't professional chemists and we have no idea how much to take to achieve perfect balance. Many people accidentally exacerbate their imbalance and throw themselves into depression or mania through self medication.

I remember the author of one book comparing bipolar disorder to diabetes. She pointed out that a body struggling to regulate insulin is no different than a body struggling to regulate the chemicals that interfere with emotional response.

Knowing more about the science of bipolar disorder brought me comfort. A person born with diabetes is not to blame for their bodie's inability to regulate insulin just as a bipolar person did not choose to have a chemical imbalance. The difderence maker is how we choose to use this information when the disorder is causing unwanted effects. Do we experience highly emotional situations and allow them to spiral out of control, or do we remind ourselves that our emotions are potentially being manipulated and take a step back before reacting further? Do we punish ourselves for our negative thoughts, or do we forgive and allow ourselves to remember a disease is talking and we are more than what our brains trick us into thinking sometimes?

We all deserve the ability to experience emotions and react, but knowing how the disorder works can help us keep emotions in check. It can help us realize why the meds are helpful, but also why it is so hard to get the cocktail just right. Essentially we all need to give ourselves a big break and love ourselves. It turns out I may not even be bipolar, but the doctors have said something hormonal or adrenal caused my mania. Understanding it was somewhat out of my control has helped me to start to forgive myself. It also motivated me to work with my doctor to find the right meds and to be more aware of what I choose to put into my body.